Last few days have gone in such a whirl-wind. Its amazing that Keshav is already a week old. It just seems like yesterday when he was born. Managing Surabhi’s hospital stay, getting them both home, taking care of various odds and ends and in the middle of all this, seeing my Son grow. That work has also been rather demanding has only made it crazier.
Nevertheless, I have truly enjoyed every moment of this past week. There is some regret that I was not around when Surabhi had to be rushed to the hospital, and I was not able to make it back in time to see my Son being born. But the happiness quickly and quietly overtakes these regrets and fill my heart with joy.
Surabhi used to always ask me what I feel about being a Dad. And I would always tell her, I do not know. Even today, that has not changed. The emotions I experience are not something that I have experience ever before, and are not something which I can easily put in words. Hence I will not even try. Suffice to say, I am thrilled.
Giving birth to a kid is just so difficult for the mother. The pain and discomfort of the 9 months are barely over, when you suddenly realize that your nights are now destined to be sleepless. Your kid makes (what you might think) reasonable and unreasonable demands, wants to be fed at all times in the night and day, wants to play with you whenever he wants, does susu-potty like you breathe in and out. And all this you take in your stride and keep the smile on your face, to assure the kid that he should not be afraid of anything in this big bad world. To tell him that you are there for him all the time, to comfort him and guide him.
In all this, the role of the father is rather insignificant and miniscule. At best he can provide a support system for the mother and the child. That’s what I am attempting to do as well. So when I am home and Keshav wants to play late at night, I take it away from Surabhi so that she can sleep. I play with him and talk to him. Most often, I am just observing him as he takes in the world. I am seeing him thrash his arms and legs to get a grip on the free space he has just come out into.
Last night I was at dinner and someone was talking about his theories on changing nappies. The theory was that the kid is not going to remember who changed his/her nappies when it was an infant. So as a man, why break your head on doing silly things like changing nappies.
Late at night, I lay in bed thinking about this. What is it that I would like to do for my child? Would it only be things that the child would remember when he grew up? Would I like to get brownie points with my kid as well? And the answer came to me rather instantly – “nirmal anand.” This was a term used by Rajesh Khanna in the movie Bawarchi, and it appropriately summed up my answer. I would do various things for my kid because it would give me the satisfaction and joy of contributing to my kid’s upbringing. I would like to do things that my kid needs done. I would not think of what the kid will or will not remember. If when he grows up and he thinks I have done nothing for him, I would surely be sad. But I would still be happy and satisfied that I did whatever I could. Including changing nappies. Call me a romantic, if you will, but this is what I am.
This morning as I took him away from Surabhi (so she could rest for a while), he promptly wet his nappies. And then as I was changing them, he had a smile on his face, as if he had heard my thoughts and was testing me out. And then, probably as a reward for successfully changing his nappies, he held my finger in his tiny hands and beamed once again.
And I knew the meaning of “nirmal anand.”
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